Attack Of The Fangirl Witches
by NekoInAhat
Summary: The survivors find a (not so secret) organization of witches who make a yaoi magazine. This organization is run by a *cough*weeaboo*cough* witch and her hunter counterpart. Will anyone survive? Rewritten and with a nice, new coat of paint. Enjoy at your own risk.
1. So Our Story Begins Again

A/N: Okay so as I have said I'm rewriting most of my stories. I was writing this while I had a sinus infection and I'm posting it after I found out I'm allergic to the medication my doctor had me on so I'm splotchy! lol anyway I hope this is better. I also hope how this uploads is alright because I got a new operating system and fanfiction doesn't except the text document style this operating system has. Well enjoy as much as you can.

The sugar mill was quite besides the sound of heavy breathing and witch sobs. The sugar mill was almost completely empty of common infected and there was only the occasional hunter shriek. The four survivors had varying levels of emotion distress. It was never this quiet besides right before a storm.

Nick was almost enjoying the silence. It was a nice change of pace from the near constant train of zombie screaming, Keith stories, and gunfire. For Ellis on the other hand it was a cruel form of torture. He really wanted to say something, anything. He'd try proposing to a witch if it meant he could say something. Of course Nick would yell at him if he said something.

Rochelle was probably the least tense of them all. That was until she caught a whiff of lavender shampoo. Who had time to wash their hair in this zombie apocalypse? She could really use a shower. So could the three men she was traveling with. The strong smell of manly body odor and rotting flesh was horrible. Rochelle slowed her pace to try and stay away from her three very smelly companions.

As she was slowly walking she spotted a magazine. It caught her eyes because of how clean and bright it was. Most of the papers were by now washed out and stained. This one looked new. The date on it was even that exact day. Rochelle picked it up.

The cover was a noxious pink and had a chibi witch leaning forward and doing a peace sign with one hand and the other on her hip. The big, fancy lettering on the front read 'Otaku Witch Shipping Club September issue'.

Rochelle curiously opened it up. Inside was a couple articles about different people. There was one about another group of survivors and even one about a hunter and smoker duo. There was a little poll score. It said it was a poll for 'favorite ship of the month'. On the top read 'Nick/Ellis' and Rochelle raised an eyebrow. Down the line she looked even more confused as she read her name with someone named Francis.

"Whatcha looking at?" Ellis asks.

"Some kind of magazine." Rochelle says.

"Nick/Ellis? What's a ship?" Ellis asks.

"I think a ship is another word for a fan made couple from a show or book." Nick yells from across the room.

The three other survivors stare at Nick. He looks back at them and sighs.

"My occupation made me learn a few very odd things." Nick says.

Ellis shrugs it off and turns the page of the magazine. Ellis shrieks and falls backwards his shotgun tumbling to the ground. Rochelle just laughs and puts down the magazine to help Ellis up. Coach shakes his head and walks away from the magazine.

Nick walks over and looks at the magazine. On the page was a picture of a male witch being pinned to a wall by some crazy looking infected that had managed unbuckle the sleeves of its straight jacket. The witch's already sparing clothing was being pulled down by the other infected. Nick quickly shut the magazine and threw it across the room.

"Where the hell did you find that Rochelle?"

"I found it on the ground and I am damn happy I did. That was the most amusing this that has happened all day." Rochelle says still chuckling.

"Why did Ellis ask what a ship was?" Nick asks slowly.

"Because Nick/Ellis was voted most popular ship of the month." Rochelle says slowly smiling.

Nick's face drained of all color. He then started walking to a nearby closet shutting the door and then there was the soft thumping noise of a head meeting a wall. Rochelle was clutching her stomach laughing again. Ellis was just staring at the magazine with untrusting eyes.

Rochelle's final chuckles died out and she noticed how quite it was. Even the witches weren't crying anymore. It was completely silent even Nick's head thumping had stopped. Rochelle took a step out of the building they had been in. She heard the crushing of thin plastic and glass.

There was a soft gasp then growling. There was the beginging of an angry screech. Rochelle fell backwards staring at a witch. The witches screech turned into an odd 'kyaa'ing sound as she turned and noticed Ellis.

"Oh my GOSH! You are like Ellis! I love you! You are just soooo totally cute!" The witch says making the 'kyaa' sound again.

She hugs Ellis clutching his head to her chest. She giggles something about 'boobs hug!' and let's go she pulls an exact copy of the magazine Nick had thrown and a pink gel pen out of somewhere.

"Will you like sign my magazine?" The witch asks.

Ellis cautiously takes the gel pen and magazine and signs the inside cover. The witch squeals and hugs the pen and magazine. She jumps up and down excitedly.

"Who makes this magazine?" Rochelle asks.

"Karma witch. Well the WFY, Witches For Yaoi." The witch says tucking one strand of hair behind her ear, "Their base is like totally just fifteen minutes away if you walk like totaaally slow."

There was an awkward silence and the witch looks like she's trying to remember something. The she snaps her fingers and smiles happily.

"Aren't you like supposed to be in next months issue?" The witch asks.

"What?" Ellis asks.

"You got voted favorite ship of the month. The previous months favorite ship always gets a photo shoot put into the current months issue." The witch says.

"So wait some crazy witch organization is going to come kidnap Ellis and Nick and make them pose together in gay pictures?" Rochelle asks.

"Like totally!" The witch says smiling.

Rochelle cracks up again and Ellis looks like his brain broke. Rochelle then smells the lavender shampoo again. She sniffs and follows the scent to it's source. It was the valley girl accented witch.

"Where did you get lavender shampoo?" Rochelle asks.

"The WFY base like has showers everyone can totally use." The witch says, "You should like follow me. They'd be more than happy to like have you all spend some time with them."

"We'd love to." Rochelle says before Ellis could even lift his head.

"Hell no!" Nick screams bursting from the closet.

"I'll like take the one in the suit if you like take the one in the overalls." The valley-girl witch says.

"Deal." Rochelle says nodding.

The smell of lavender shampoo was too great a temptation. Rochelle was more than okay with making Nick and Ellis fake being gay so she could take a nice, long shower. Heck she'd even do it so just the guys would take a shower. Traveling with a little more fresh air would be wonderful.

Rochelle easily grabs Ellis and hauls him up. By then the valley-girl witch had already grappled Nick and had the gambler slung over her frail looking shoulder. Rochelle high fives the witch. They were pretty cool when they were on her side.

Coach came along grumbling. Rochelle was talking about feminine things with the witch. The usual stuff like how to get the stench of infected blood out of clothing, cleaning mud off of leather, and proper nail or claw care. Nick had to be knocked out half way through the walk and Ellis was still incredibly shell shocked.

When they finally reached the building Rochelle was slightly surprised. The door they were entering in was for a very nice old plantation house. It looked like it hadn't been affected by the infection at all.

"Wow this is a very nice house." Rochelle says.

"The basement is like the best part." Valley-girl witch says, "Well broski you should like wake up."

The witch drops Nick on the cement walkway. Nick curses rubbing his head. He reached for his hip to draw his hand gun out to shoot the witch. The witch smirks and holds up his hand gun.

"Come on let's just go inside." Coach says, "I know Ro' wants a shower."

The inside was even grander than the outside. All the wood was an ancient looking mahogany or oak. The chandlers shimmered and glowed. Inside their were different witches, smokers, boomers, spitters, jockeys, hunters, and even tanks mostly female wandering around. A few whispered when they noticed Nick and Ellis.

"Come on like Karma Witch's office is just down this hallway." Valley-girl witch says.

She opens a door and inside was completely clean and sterile room. Every book was meticulously placed and labeled by the dewy decimal system. A plant stood in one corner next to the window, which upon closer inspection was actually just painted on.

"Good evening Trixie what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" The clean cut witch at the perfectly organized desk in the room asks.

The witch was incredibly neat. Her hair was cut in a bob at her chin and her bangs ended at her eyebrows and not a hair was out of place. Her pinstripe black pantsuit was wrinkle free and unstained. Even her claws were filled and painted with a clear coat. She even had a light coat of make up on.

"You're name's Trixie?" Ellis asks.

"Yeah, what did you like think my name was like valley-girl witch?" Trixie asks.

"Well, um, yeah." Ellis mumbles.

Trixie bursts out laughing. She clutches her stomach and holds onto the desk to steady herself. The clean cut witch sighs irritatedly. Apparently she had to deal with the valley girl witch quite a bit.

"That's like totally funny but anyway I like totaaalllly need to see K.W. right now Niki." Trixie says.

"Go in she's just being an idiot with Karma Hunter." Niki says.

Trixie opens the door to the next room. Inside was the oddest dressed witch the group of survivors had ever seen. She had pink and teal extensions in her hair in random places. Her clothes consisted of a slightly poofed hot pink skirt with black lace and a black shirt with pink poofed short sleeves and pink lace. She even had fingerless gloves and stockings to match. Her shoes were black mary-janes. She was humming along to what Rochelle could guiltily tell was the Nyan cat song.

A/N: So is it okay? Well I don't have much else to say. I wish I had a working copy of Left 4 Dead 2 again? So review if you'd like and have a nice day.


	2. The Promise Of Twinkies

A/N: Why did this take so long! *author cries bitter tears of failure* It was mostly trying to find an adequate deal for Karma Witch to make with Nick and Ellis. Now I must repeat to myself 'I will put in more Nick/Ellis. I will write more Nick/Ellis.' Well I hope you enjoy.

"Trixie! I haven't seen you since you got that new laptop!" The oddly dressed witch says.

She immediatly hugs the slightly taller witch and Trixie hugs back. There was some fast passed hard to understand talking then a fit of laughter. The female hunter in the corner joins in happily. Nick felt the extreme urge to run when Rochelle joined in.

"Yeah sorry about your computer." Rochelle apoligizes to Trixie.

"It's like totes okay. KW'll replace it like in a couple days." Trixie says.

"Probably sooner since you managed to get Nick and Ellis in. I thought it would be a lot harder than this." The oddly dressed witch says, "Oh! By the way is there anything you want Rochelle?"

"A shower would be great and maybe some new clothes." Rochelle replies.

"Okay Karma Hunter can you go tell Hart he's going to have some tailoring to do." The witch says.

The hunter smirks and nods. Ellis shivered at the look. He decided he didn't want to be anywhere near that hunter at anytime. The Southerner looked over at Nick. Nick had a deep frown on his face and looked very aggitated. Now was not the time for a Keith story.

"So what is your name?" Ellis asks the oddly dressed witch.

"My names Karma Witch, or just KW. So Ellis how do you feel about all this?" Karma Witch asks.

"Nick? Really ya'll have to make me pose with Nick? I mean he's not all that bad a guy but he's no Jimmy Gibbs Jr." Ellis says.

Rochelle covers her mouth and snorts in laughter. Trixie was already on the floor half way through Ellis's minispeech. Karma Witch was just nodding her head slowly. She crosses her arms and nods one final time. She gives one large sigh, tilting her head down and then lifting it up to look Ellis in the eyes.

"Well Ellis it's mostly because do you really want to try being gay with a smoker? All that tongue? I don't think you're really into that kind of stuff so Nick shouldn't be all that bad, but if you really want I'm sure somebody owes me something." Karma Witch says simply.

All the color drains from Ellis's face. Coach chose that as his best moment to escape threw the door. Niki hands him a key as he leaves and whispers a room number to him.

"That is just cruel and unusual punishment. What kinda sicko gives someone that kinda mental image?" Ellis asks a disgusted look on his face.

"You know I think I once did see a smoker grab Ellis a little too low." Rochelle says thoughtfully.

Both Ellis and Nick look horrified at the woman before them. Rochelle proceeds to burst into laughter. She was having almost too much fun. Karma Witch nods and then looks curiously at the ceiling.

"If we do decide a smoker would be better than Nick with Ellis I know this tank that owes me..." Karma Witch draws out.

"Oh hell no!" Nick yells.

Even Ellis joins in on the laughing at the extremely angry Nick. Nick power glares at Ellis and he stops laughing. Slowly the three womens giggles die down and they calm. Trixie looks over at the clock and swears.

"Damn I've like got an apointment with Declan! I'm like totally going to be late!" Trixie says, "Like bye guys!"

Trixie runs out the door. Ellis stares after her curiously. Karma Witch streatches and sits down in the office chair behind the desk. The desk was pretty well worn. There were a couple scuffs and some scratches. It was thick, good quality wood so it was still holding it's own even when Karma Witches palms hit the desk.

"So terms and agreements for both of you appearing in Otaku Witch Shipping Club October issue." Karma Witch says.

"You're not just forcing us?" Nick asks.

Karma Witch laughs, "Of course not. I'm not a tyranical dictator or anything like that..."

Her laughing turns minorly physcoitic at the end and the three noninfected step backwards lightly. Karma Witch shakes her head and relaxes into her seat.

"So we are in the nagotiation stages. Name whatever you want and I'll give you a counter offer until we both agree on the terms." Karma Witch says, "Oh, and Niki have you gotten everyone a room and an appointment with Hart?"

"Yes Ms. Karma Witch. Everyone has their own room but Nick and Ellis have ajoined rooms. They are all in the same wing and same hallway. If anyone would like a different room you can discuss it to someone else." Niki says.

"Thank you Niki!" Karma Witch says.

"Well I'm going to take that shower." Rochelle says.

"There will be a bathrobe in your room you can wear that when you go to see Hart. He's our tailor, he may not seem it but he's just a big sweetie." Karma Witch says.

"Thanks KW." Rochelle says walking out.

"So anything we want?" Nick asks.

"Someone once asked for the crown jewels." Karma Witch says with a shrug.

"Did you get them for them?" Ellis asks.

Nick looks at Ellis like he's crazy. Ellis just shrugs.

"Of course she couldn't get the fucking crown jewels Ellis!" Nick says.

"Actually I did. It was a once in a lifetime opertunity that ship! We got so much uproar for that! Oh my god that was the best thing ever. I couldn't believe the look on Tamara's face. Bitch got what she deserved." Karma Witch says.

"What?" Ellis asks.

"Nothing to worry your head about sweetie~ So name what you want!" Karma Witch says.

"I'd like to know if Keith and everyone's alright. Maybe to actually get to play in Whispering Oaks." Ellis says.

"Oh that's easy! Give me some kind of challange!" Karma Witch says.

"I want a private island, free of infected. I want you to keep it free of infected trying to kill me. It has to have all the fixings, five star hotel, bar, everything." Nick says.

"Oh come on Nick! Give me something cool!" Karma Witch says drooping on her desk.

"I want a box of Twinkies." Ellis says suddenly.

"Whatsa Twinkie?" Karma Witch says scrunching up her face.

The two men look at her oddly. Nick didn't know a single person who had never heard of a Twinkie. He had even heard of fried Twinkies they were so popular. Well maybe being fried didn't mean they were popular, in the United States people fried food just because they could. People fried soda, so a fried Twinkie wasn't that odd.

"Well what is a Twinkie?" Karma Witch asks again.

"It heaven in sponge cake form." Ellis says.

"Woah." Karma Witch says wide eyed.

"Niki! Get our best team together we are hunting Twinkies!" Karma Witch yells.

"So that's what we get? Twinkies?" Nick asks.

"No, Nick you get a nice private island, Ellis we are all going to Whispering Oaks again, and then we are taking over a Twinkie factory." Karma Witch says.

"Deal." Nick says.

The conman and witch shake hands. Nick leaves and Niki tosses him a key. Ellis looks back and forth between Nick and Karma Witch. When Karma Witch starts filing her claws Ellis trots after Nick. Karma Witch laughs.

The hallways were painted an eggshell white. The plantation house was very well kept. Nick could see himself settling down in this kind of house. With this deal with Karma Witch he would be all set. The thought of kissing Ellis wasn't very appealing at that moment, in fact Nick would rather shoot himself in the foot. Nick knew Karma Hunter would probably do that if he tried refusing. He didn't trust that Hunter.

Ellis on the other hand thought this place was great. He remembered this one time he and Keith had gone to a fancy hotel and Keith had jumped off the railing and grabbed the chandler.

"Ellis shut up." Nick says.

"Was I talkin' outloud?" Ellis asks.

"Very loudly~" A passing Spitter says.

Nick watched the Spitter walk by. He couldn't get over the fact the Special Infected were talking. Especially when they talked with freaking Valley Girl accents. The sooner this was over the better. He hoped Rochelle was really enjoying that shower.

Nick was so deep in thought he almost missed his room. When he opened the door he nearly screamed. His room was horrible. It was pepdobismal pink. The bed was four poster with pink fabric hanging on it with a brighter pink comforter and floral sheets. The pillows were varying shades of pink and had a doll on it. The room was made for a little girl, complete with closet full of poofy dresses.

"Hey cool racecar theme!" Ellis' voice came from his room.

Nick swore kicking the wall. Fucking witches with their fucking senses of humor. Why did he get the princess room? It was offical he was going to shoot himself.

Ellis opened the side door connecting their rooms.

"Hey Nick we're actually in Jack 'nd Jill style rooms. Wait, Nick why is yer room pink?"

"I don't know." Nick growls his face buried in his palms.

"Well we're sharing a bathroom soooo..." Ellis drags out, "I claim first shower."

"Just get the fuck out of my room." Nick says.

A/N: Yay for Zombieland references! Twinkies, gotta love 'em. Poor Nick stuck in the little girl's room. Maybe he'll just have to stay in Ellis' room lol. Yep lolz. Well I'm sleepy just got to finally watch Taken 2. Damn I love Liam Neeson. Well leave a review if you want I've got studying to do.


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